Also, I am in a relationship of sorts with a man that drove all the way from KY to be with me, help me with bills, and take care of me. Why I am I losing the attraction and connection that brought us together in the first place? And I feel guilty for wanting to tell him it was too quick. All too quick. I didn't get a chance to grieve the loss of my marriage and I didn't get to come to terms with myself. Or even date for that matter. He and I jumped right into the move-in and screw part of the relationship. I hate that we didn't get to do all the fun things to feel each other out. And I hate that he isn't comfortable to be a father figure to my kids. He doesn't have to be daddy now, he doesn't have to adopt them; I just want him to be open to the idea of being that role model. And I'm damn tired of having it thrown in my face that they are not his biological children. I know that goddammit. I sometimes wish their father still wanted me (i.e. the previous paragraph).
I know this is short and full of holes, but I want to go out and smoke and contemplate the idea of starving myself for a while. I'm pretty depressed and I just don't want to eat.
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