Again, sleep eludes me. Could mean a good turn for my Narcolepsy, but I regret to report that it is not. I have decided (shakily at best) to refuse to take anymore Seroquel. Seroquel, for the past few months, has been my bedtime and bipolar aid. Of late, I have upped the dosage on it and can nno longer function in the AM when I take it. I go to bed at 12am and find it hard to function until noon the next day. Yes, it evens out my emotions, but the negatives are huge: not getting up with the kids and always feeling lethargic. I'd rather have my moods swing than to always be bleh.
Unfortunately, it appears that when I go off it, I have trouble sleeping at night. I'm sure my habitual cough doesn't help, but still. Here I sit, at 2.40am, and the cough is only minor.
I just want to be normal. :(
On the heat....
Summer. In the South. It's definitely not fun. With temperatures always being in the late 90s-100s, heat indexes shoot up into 110s. And the kicker is, there is no one to yell at about the heat! :) Definitely don't want to yell at God. He may get pissed and throw down a tornado to tell me to hush.
If only it would rain, speaking of. The rain usually cools us down to about 80s. With the rain, my a/c doesn't have to work so hard to keep us cool. Without it, my system works so hard, it ends up being hotter in the house. The system cannot keep up with the extreme heat. Its normally 80 degrees in the house by 8pm. And it's only bad from 6-8pm when the sun is up and beating on the west side of the house. There are no trees in my yard to help either.
Well, the purpose of this blog was to share some of my summer beauty tips. Here goes!
During the summer, makeup is hard to adjust. For the summer, you may want to forgo foundation creams. Pressed powder or powder foundations are the best in this heat because they can help with absorbing sweat and they have less chances to run. You will want to put on makeup in the morning and keep your makeup in the house. The extreme heat has melted many a mascara, eyeliner, and chapstick in my purse. Also, try to wear only tinted chapstick. Lipstick, upon high temperatures, can run outside the lines of your lips and you look like that lady from the oooold airway commercials ("Did I get it on straight?") I personally use pressed powder (ivory), chapstick, and waterproof mascara. That's all you need, really. It keeps your pores from clogging with the excessive sweating and makeup running. Mine doesn't run.
The major way I keep myself dry is with baby powder (with cornstarch). The powder will help to absorb the sweat and keep you smelling fresh. Another option is deodorant. I know, we already use that daily. However, the best place to use deodorant to keep yourself dry (outside of your armpits), is in the creases of your legs (at the knees) and around the chest area. If you have over a B cup, chances are, your boobs sweat. Yeah. I said it. Best way is to take a mild deodorant (one without much scent or for sensitive skin) and swipe it in between your girls and right underneath them. It will keep you dry during the day. If you truly do have sensitive skin though, baby powder there may be your best bet. The deodorant can clog pores if you don't shower at night.
I find that a nice, cool shower at night can refresh me and help to keep me cool when I sleep. I hate being hot at night. My favorite products for the shower, in the summer, are: exfoliating scrub (equate tropical scent is really good for a great price), light conditioning Pert Plus all-in-one shampoo (helps with an oily scalp/hair), and facial wash (St. Ives apricot timeless scrub, helps with wrinkles and scrubs to get pores cleaner). Also a tip, if you can tolerate soap and water shaves, Ivory soap on the underarms and leg areas help to shave without giving you a coat of moisturizer. I then moisturize out of the shower with a very light lotion. Too heavy of a lotion can cause your legs to sweat terribly in the day and cause them to sweat lines of lotion. Try to go easy on the lotion. I use one swipe of Love Spell body lotion (not the cream).
Keep your feet moisturized! In the summer, us southerners can get dry, cracked heels from wearing flip-flops all of the time. My favorite products for my heels are: a ped-egg and a tub of True Blue Spa (from Bath and Body Works $15) heel of approval lotion. Once out of the shower, ped-egg your heels, bunion area, and big toe. Once all dead skin is gone, rinse and dry. Once dry, apply the lotion generously and keep feet off of the ground until all soaked in. Wearing socks is great if you can tolerate warmth on your feet at night. No need for a pedicure! Polish your own toenails (if you are good at it), ped-egg, and cream makes for a great money saver. Cream nightly or bi-nightly and ped-egg weekly. Keeps my feet flip-flop ready.
Feel free to post your tips or ideas to better mine! I look forward to hearing some more lovely ideas. :)
If only it would rain, speaking of. The rain usually cools us down to about 80s. With the rain, my a/c doesn't have to work so hard to keep us cool. Without it, my system works so hard, it ends up being hotter in the house. The system cannot keep up with the extreme heat. Its normally 80 degrees in the house by 8pm. And it's only bad from 6-8pm when the sun is up and beating on the west side of the house. There are no trees in my yard to help either.
Well, the purpose of this blog was to share some of my summer beauty tips. Here goes!
During the summer, makeup is hard to adjust. For the summer, you may want to forgo foundation creams. Pressed powder or powder foundations are the best in this heat because they can help with absorbing sweat and they have less chances to run. You will want to put on makeup in the morning and keep your makeup in the house. The extreme heat has melted many a mascara, eyeliner, and chapstick in my purse. Also, try to wear only tinted chapstick. Lipstick, upon high temperatures, can run outside the lines of your lips and you look like that lady from the oooold airway commercials ("Did I get it on straight?") I personally use pressed powder (ivory), chapstick, and waterproof mascara. That's all you need, really. It keeps your pores from clogging with the excessive sweating and makeup running. Mine doesn't run.
The major way I keep myself dry is with baby powder (with cornstarch). The powder will help to absorb the sweat and keep you smelling fresh. Another option is deodorant. I know, we already use that daily. However, the best place to use deodorant to keep yourself dry (outside of your armpits), is in the creases of your legs (at the knees) and around the chest area. If you have over a B cup, chances are, your boobs sweat. Yeah. I said it. Best way is to take a mild deodorant (one without much scent or for sensitive skin) and swipe it in between your girls and right underneath them. It will keep you dry during the day. If you truly do have sensitive skin though, baby powder there may be your best bet. The deodorant can clog pores if you don't shower at night.
I find that a nice, cool shower at night can refresh me and help to keep me cool when I sleep. I hate being hot at night. My favorite products for the shower, in the summer, are: exfoliating scrub (equate tropical scent is really good for a great price), light conditioning Pert Plus all-in-one shampoo (helps with an oily scalp/hair), and facial wash (St. Ives apricot timeless scrub, helps with wrinkles and scrubs to get pores cleaner). Also a tip, if you can tolerate soap and water shaves, Ivory soap on the underarms and leg areas help to shave without giving you a coat of moisturizer. I then moisturize out of the shower with a very light lotion. Too heavy of a lotion can cause your legs to sweat terribly in the day and cause them to sweat lines of lotion. Try to go easy on the lotion. I use one swipe of Love Spell body lotion (not the cream).
Keep your feet moisturized! In the summer, us southerners can get dry, cracked heels from wearing flip-flops all of the time. My favorite products for my heels are: a ped-egg and a tub of True Blue Spa (from Bath and Body Works $15) heel of approval lotion. Once out of the shower, ped-egg your heels, bunion area, and big toe. Once all dead skin is gone, rinse and dry. Once dry, apply the lotion generously and keep feet off of the ground until all soaked in. Wearing socks is great if you can tolerate warmth on your feet at night. No need for a pedicure! Polish your own toenails (if you are good at it), ped-egg, and cream makes for a great money saver. Cream nightly or bi-nightly and ped-egg weekly. Keeps my feet flip-flop ready.
Feel free to post your tips or ideas to better mine! I look forward to hearing some more lovely ideas. :)
The Rape of the Blog
(Haha, gotta love the literary reference. English majors will love me :) )
Since I've started posting the links for people to read my blog, I've felt a bit violated. Now, I didn't say I didn't want people to read, but I'm still having a hard time adjusting. I just want everyone to know, if I say something about you or about something you believe in, you have to remember... you are reading my blog. As such, I am allowed to say what I feel, when I feel it, and in whatever context. Sometimes, I'll change my opinion about things. But I'm not going to delete a post unless it's a really bad one (in my eyes).
I'm home from a trip to my parents with my best friend. She drove us and we saw Gramma, Grandah-dee, Auntie Dek-i-tah (Jessica), Unca Josh, and cried about not being able to see Pepaw and Meme. The boys rode golf carts (which my dad builds) and ate crap-tons of sweets (thank you Gramma). My friend agreed to take me back the same night b/c I felt bad and wanted to sleep in my own bed. I got home, put the boys to bed, sneakily took off their clothes and spot washed 'em, washed myself, primped (like lotion and removing polish), and read an A+ book. I have no idea why I picked it up but it was interesting. I passed out on it at about 1am, I think.
Anyways, I have nothing really interesting to write about (as you can see). Hopefully I'll be back later with something a little more on the insightful side.
Until then....
Since I've started posting the links for people to read my blog, I've felt a bit violated. Now, I didn't say I didn't want people to read, but I'm still having a hard time adjusting. I just want everyone to know, if I say something about you or about something you believe in, you have to remember... you are reading my blog. As such, I am allowed to say what I feel, when I feel it, and in whatever context. Sometimes, I'll change my opinion about things. But I'm not going to delete a post unless it's a really bad one (in my eyes).
I'm home from a trip to my parents with my best friend. She drove us and we saw Gramma, Grandah-dee, Auntie Dek-i-tah (Jessica), Unca Josh, and cried about not being able to see Pepaw and Meme. The boys rode golf carts (which my dad builds) and ate crap-tons of sweets (thank you Gramma). My friend agreed to take me back the same night b/c I felt bad and wanted to sleep in my own bed. I got home, put the boys to bed, sneakily took off their clothes and spot washed 'em, washed myself, primped (like lotion and removing polish), and read an A+ book. I have no idea why I picked it up but it was interesting. I passed out on it at about 1am, I think.
Anyways, I have nothing really interesting to write about (as you can see). Hopefully I'll be back later with something a little more on the insightful side.
Until then....
meh2
AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes I just want to go outside, in the middle of nowhere, during a rainstorm, and scream.
AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes I just want to go outside, in the middle of nowhere, during a rainstorm, and scream.
AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7am
7am comes too early, now-a-days. But to think about it, when has it not? It was too early for me in high school, as I would place my clothes beside my bed w/ bookbag at the ready and not get up until I heard the bus rounding the corner. That's right. When the bus got to my house, I threw on my clothes and got on it. And I slept the whole way to school. If I had makeup on, I might have put it on the night before. Hah!
But I digress. This morning, El and I were up at 7am sharp. We tiptoed into the living room, threw "Hammy" (aka Handy Manny) on T.V., got some not-so-good-for-him cereal (Cookie Crisp Sprinkles), and poured dual cups of orange juice. Et wakes up about 15 minutes later. He's my sleeper. He's me. He got a bag and a cup and we all listen to Hammy.
The friggin sweet thing is Et was dry this morning. DRY! Et waited til I got his potty, sat down, and made morning tinkle. A lot of morning tinkle. He should have been super proud of his Woody sticker today. Woody would have been proud. It takes a lot for a 2.5 yr old to hold it. Especially through the night. I'm sooo proud.
But 7am, you can go to hell. No matter when I wake up, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what I have planned... time with my children will always be my number one enjoyment and the number one thing worth waking up for.
But I digress. This morning, El and I were up at 7am sharp. We tiptoed into the living room, threw "Hammy" (aka Handy Manny) on T.V., got some not-so-good-for-him cereal (Cookie Crisp Sprinkles), and poured dual cups of orange juice. Et wakes up about 15 minutes later. He's my sleeper. He's me. He got a bag and a cup and we all listen to Hammy.
The friggin sweet thing is Et was dry this morning. DRY! Et waited til I got his potty, sat down, and made morning tinkle. A lot of morning tinkle. He should have been super proud of his Woody sticker today. Woody would have been proud. It takes a lot for a 2.5 yr old to hold it. Especially through the night. I'm sooo proud.
But 7am, you can go to hell. No matter when I wake up, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what I have planned... time with my children will always be my number one enjoyment and the number one thing worth waking up for.
A Letter (from a college friend)
Heya Je!
It was so nice to hear from you! Yet again, it's always nice to hear from you. :)
Congratulations on the addition to your family! I bet a new nephew makes things fun and interesting. And it is wonderful that the birds are doing well! Pets are the best for us to feel unconditionally loved. They are sweet and affectionate with fierce loyalty to their "humans." *laughs* I have two cats now. One is a big tabby named Samson. He is cream/orange colored and has a thick coat of shedding fur. Samson is a loving, dear cat who doesn't mind if the kids yank on his tail. Magdeline is my second cat. We call her Maggie. She's a tortoiseshell colored cat and is very skinny. She never sheds and is like a vampire. She only comes out at night and is very skittish. :0)
You sound very, very busy with the languages! I wish you the best with those. I know they are hard to learn; however, I am planning to look into taking German or (weirdly enough) Japanese myself. I love the culture of Japan and watch quite a few anime programs, but a lot is lost in translation. I'd love to be able to watch them in their native language without having English mess it up. German has just always seemed interesting since the Dr. O course on languages. Academically, I am technically not doing anything. I am truly studying up on all of the classic English lit and high-school English lit. I'd like to re-take the Praxis II exam and think about teaching. Right now, I'm on disability for Narcolepsy and Bipolar disorders. But I want to do more with my life. Like share my love of the English language with people.
The kids are great. They are getting so big! Et is a big 2.5 year old. He's 42 lbs. and stands over 3 feet tall. El is not little, but definitely not as big as his brother. El weighs in at 30 lbs. and he's about 3 foot tall if not right under. Their pediatrician says Et will near 6'6" at his tallest and El at least 6'2". That's just an estimate, but that's huge! They will tower over their feeble, shrinking mother. *lol* They love the Wiggles and Toy Story. They play outside a lot in the water (with this heat, we gotta). They love to eat Sloppy Joes, Salisbury Steak, Chicken Nuggets, and Shepherd's Pie. And that's all. Anything else and they refuse to eat it. We're in the middle of potty-training now. Oh, boy, that's fun (sarcasm 100%). They have charts that they put stickers on when they use the potty. El's the only one that works on. He's so proud of his stickers. :)
Well, enough of my rambling. I miss you and hope you are well. Stay busy but also enjoy yourself too! Much love from the J family to yours!
PS: I included a picture from the boys' school pictures taken this year. :0)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi H,
I have not e-mailed you in a while. I have been very busy, as I am certain you are too. I am doing alright and so is my family. How are you and your family? I have a new addition to my family.
In addition to having a 16 year old nephew, I now have a 5 month old nephew. My nephew's mother had another child. He is a sweet infant, just as his brother is a sweet boy. At 5 months old, he is the size of a small toddler. He looks long when he is lying down. He is healthy. I still spend time looking after my nephews. I enjoy spending time with my family- my birds are included as my family too. My birds are both three years old now. I am so happy because they are living. In addition to spending time with my family, I find time to study languages.
I have signed up for a French language course with both BBC Languages and Live Mocha. In addition, I have Random House Living Languages Beyond Beginners' French course. BBC and some of Live Mocha are free. The Random House Language learning course costs a little over $20 at Barnes and Noble. I will continue to study other languages. I took French and German in high school, so that I will be re-learning German too. I learned some Japanese in the 5th grade. I continue to re-learn the Japanese language. I plan to study Italian again, and began studying Mandarin Chinese, Spanish, and Portuguese.
Well, that is all for now.
Je
***names have been protected by taking out majority of identifying factors***
It was so nice to hear from you! Yet again, it's always nice to hear from you. :)
Congratulations on the addition to your family! I bet a new nephew makes things fun and interesting. And it is wonderful that the birds are doing well! Pets are the best for us to feel unconditionally loved. They are sweet and affectionate with fierce loyalty to their "humans." *laughs* I have two cats now. One is a big tabby named Samson. He is cream/orange colored and has a thick coat of shedding fur. Samson is a loving, dear cat who doesn't mind if the kids yank on his tail. Magdeline is my second cat. We call her Maggie. She's a tortoiseshell colored cat and is very skinny. She never sheds and is like a vampire. She only comes out at night and is very skittish. :0)
You sound very, very busy with the languages! I wish you the best with those. I know they are hard to learn; however, I am planning to look into taking German or (weirdly enough) Japanese myself. I love the culture of Japan and watch quite a few anime programs, but a lot is lost in translation. I'd love to be able to watch them in their native language without having English mess it up. German has just always seemed interesting since the Dr. O course on languages. Academically, I am technically not doing anything. I am truly studying up on all of the classic English lit and high-school English lit. I'd like to re-take the Praxis II exam and think about teaching. Right now, I'm on disability for Narcolepsy and Bipolar disorders. But I want to do more with my life. Like share my love of the English language with people.
The kids are great. They are getting so big! Et is a big 2.5 year old. He's 42 lbs. and stands over 3 feet tall. El is not little, but definitely not as big as his brother. El weighs in at 30 lbs. and he's about 3 foot tall if not right under. Their pediatrician says Et will near 6'6" at his tallest and El at least 6'2". That's just an estimate, but that's huge! They will tower over their feeble, shrinking mother. *lol* They love the Wiggles and Toy Story. They play outside a lot in the water (with this heat, we gotta). They love to eat Sloppy Joes, Salisbury Steak, Chicken Nuggets, and Shepherd's Pie. And that's all. Anything else and they refuse to eat it. We're in the middle of potty-training now. Oh, boy, that's fun (sarcasm 100%). They have charts that they put stickers on when they use the potty. El's the only one that works on. He's so proud of his stickers. :)
Well, enough of my rambling. I miss you and hope you are well. Stay busy but also enjoy yourself too! Much love from the J family to yours!
PS: I included a picture from the boys' school pictures taken this year. :0)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi H,
I have not e-mailed you in a while. I have been very busy, as I am certain you are too. I am doing alright and so is my family. How are you and your family? I have a new addition to my family.
In addition to having a 16 year old nephew, I now have a 5 month old nephew. My nephew's mother had another child. He is a sweet infant, just as his brother is a sweet boy. At 5 months old, he is the size of a small toddler. He looks long when he is lying down. He is healthy. I still spend time looking after my nephews. I enjoy spending time with my family- my birds are included as my family too. My birds are both three years old now. I am so happy because they are living. In addition to spending time with my family, I find time to study languages.
I have signed up for a French language course with both BBC Languages and Live Mocha. In addition, I have Random House Living Languages Beyond Beginners' French course. BBC and some of Live Mocha are free. The Random House Language learning course costs a little over $20 at Barnes and Noble. I will continue to study other languages. I took French and German in high school, so that I will be re-learning German too. I learned some Japanese in the 5th grade. I continue to re-learn the Japanese language. I plan to study Italian again, and began studying Mandarin Chinese, Spanish, and Portuguese.
Well, that is all for now.
Je
***names have been protected by taking out majority of identifying factors***
A friend.
So, my friend from KY suprised me last night. He claimed he wanted to kill himself. The convo started out by being all "I need a therapist." "I know, maybe you should find one." was my response. "A box of razorblades would be cheaper."
How is one supposed to respond to that? I responded by going on and on in texts trying to convince him otherwise. I texted and messaged his friends trying to rally him a support group that was nearby. The only thing that sucks is that I couldn't drive over there and beat him over the head. NOTHING is worth killing yourself over. NOTHING. I cannot relate to someone who is depressed and doesn't want to live or fix themselves. I know life gets shitty. I know you don't want to live through some things. But I definately believe in the saying, "that which does not kill us makes us stronger."
I have lived through some scary shit. My parents were heavy drug addicts when I was a kid. From 10-18, I lived the worst life I can imagine for myself and my sister. I was the parent b/c they weren't. I cooked for, I cleaned for, I loved, I bathed, I helped my sister as much as a 10-18 year old could. I was forced to moderate fights between my parents (physical). I was told if I didn't sit there, I would get beaten too. I lived through my mother being a drunk and telling me how she hated me. I went to bed praying to God that he would rescue me. That he would realize I am a good person and a good daughter and that I didn't deserve this. Jess didn't deserve this. I cried for nights feeling all alone in my torment. Noone at school paid too much mind to me. Noone liked me. Noone could know what I was going through b/c I'd be *that* kid that has the fucked up parents. People did pretend to be my friend, but they talked shit behind my back, saying how odd or weird or bitchy I was. NEWSFLASH: I had a reason. If anyone had truly tried to get to know me, they'd have understood. School was my only escape. My only meal I didn't have to fix. My only link to adults who seemed to care about me. But even my teachers sensed my quiet desparation to have someone to like me. I tried too hard.
College was different. I didn't live at home. I beat myself up daily for leaving my sister in a mess. My parents never called. My grandparents never called. My sister only called occasionally b/c mom and dad would have yelled at her for calling long distance. I only had my roommate and friends. We went out often, trying to escape our various demons. I surrounded myself w/ people b/c I didn't want to be alone. I trusted those I shouldn't and paid the price. A price that still scars me greatly to this day. I cut myself on a regular basis, trying to release the pain I felt inside. Nothing worked. My roommate came in on me one night with my legs sliced from ankle to knee and called a therapist. I saw the therapist the next day, but never again. Instead, I replaced a cutting habit with alcohol. Only after losing my scholarship and getting arrested for something I am super ashamed of (misdemeanor, not drugs), did I realize I'd hit rock bottom.
Since then, my parents quit drugs. My father quit his terrible drug cold turkey. NOONE that I know of can do that and not go back. My dad did. My mother cut her alcohol habit, but not without my dad's constant vigilance and help. My sister always has a good attitude and outlook no matter her problems (lupus, organ failure, house burning down, losing a child). I have raised a beautiful person in my sister. That makes me proud. I am now a mother of two beautiful children. I am trying to better my parenting by working with my husband, S. I no longer drink. I no longer cut. I see a therapist to deal with my childhood and my fuck ups. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (swinging between manic and depressive. extreme highs and lows) and Narcolepsy (always being tired, falling into REM sleep in under 10 mins, sleep paralysis, cataplexy). I fought to get disability (and won). I fought to keep my home. I fought my inner demons. I'm not through fighting them, but I feel better prepared and supported during the constant battle. I've won some and lost some, but the war is not over. It will not end at my own hand.
This is why I cannot understand someone who has had a relatively normal childhood (or even a screwed up one for that matter) and wants to kill themselves. I have had every reason, but never been able to say "I give up." In life, everyone has a choice. To live or to die. Everyone will eventually die. But it is your choice how you will live the precious gift that life is. Yes, life can blow harder than an f-5 tornado. I know. But if you lay down and die, you are weak. You are saying I'm not better than this. And you are!! Everyone is. Inside everyone is a person who can do anything. Go anywhere. Live a life to the fullest. Inside everyone is also a demon. Demons can be exorcised. Demons are only going to bring you down. But you have to want to help yourself. It is a fight only YOU can take on. YOU CAN DO IT. I'm not saying some people don't have problems worse than mine or that people don't feel like theirs are bad b/c that's all they feel at the time. I can only tell you my opinion. That nothing is worth giving up for. Someone is meant for something. You have family and friends that love you. Not only do you cheat yourself out of life, but you are cheating them. And if you have people that love you, cling to them. They will be there for you. Don't cheat them out of knowing someone they love. They wouldn't be your true friends if they left you when times are rough.
My train of thought derailed. I'll be back with more later.
How is one supposed to respond to that? I responded by going on and on in texts trying to convince him otherwise. I texted and messaged his friends trying to rally him a support group that was nearby. The only thing that sucks is that I couldn't drive over there and beat him over the head. NOTHING is worth killing yourself over. NOTHING. I cannot relate to someone who is depressed and doesn't want to live or fix themselves. I know life gets shitty. I know you don't want to live through some things. But I definately believe in the saying, "that which does not kill us makes us stronger."
I have lived through some scary shit. My parents were heavy drug addicts when I was a kid. From 10-18, I lived the worst life I can imagine for myself and my sister. I was the parent b/c they weren't. I cooked for, I cleaned for, I loved, I bathed, I helped my sister as much as a 10-18 year old could. I was forced to moderate fights between my parents (physical). I was told if I didn't sit there, I would get beaten too. I lived through my mother being a drunk and telling me how she hated me. I went to bed praying to God that he would rescue me. That he would realize I am a good person and a good daughter and that I didn't deserve this. Jess didn't deserve this. I cried for nights feeling all alone in my torment. Noone at school paid too much mind to me. Noone liked me. Noone could know what I was going through b/c I'd be *that* kid that has the fucked up parents. People did pretend to be my friend, but they talked shit behind my back, saying how odd or weird or bitchy I was. NEWSFLASH: I had a reason. If anyone had truly tried to get to know me, they'd have understood. School was my only escape. My only meal I didn't have to fix. My only link to adults who seemed to care about me. But even my teachers sensed my quiet desparation to have someone to like me. I tried too hard.
College was different. I didn't live at home. I beat myself up daily for leaving my sister in a mess. My parents never called. My grandparents never called. My sister only called occasionally b/c mom and dad would have yelled at her for calling long distance. I only had my roommate and friends. We went out often, trying to escape our various demons. I surrounded myself w/ people b/c I didn't want to be alone. I trusted those I shouldn't and paid the price. A price that still scars me greatly to this day. I cut myself on a regular basis, trying to release the pain I felt inside. Nothing worked. My roommate came in on me one night with my legs sliced from ankle to knee and called a therapist. I saw the therapist the next day, but never again. Instead, I replaced a cutting habit with alcohol. Only after losing my scholarship and getting arrested for something I am super ashamed of (misdemeanor, not drugs), did I realize I'd hit rock bottom.
Since then, my parents quit drugs. My father quit his terrible drug cold turkey. NOONE that I know of can do that and not go back. My dad did. My mother cut her alcohol habit, but not without my dad's constant vigilance and help. My sister always has a good attitude and outlook no matter her problems (lupus, organ failure, house burning down, losing a child). I have raised a beautiful person in my sister. That makes me proud. I am now a mother of two beautiful children. I am trying to better my parenting by working with my husband, S. I no longer drink. I no longer cut. I see a therapist to deal with my childhood and my fuck ups. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (swinging between manic and depressive. extreme highs and lows) and Narcolepsy (always being tired, falling into REM sleep in under 10 mins, sleep paralysis, cataplexy). I fought to get disability (and won). I fought to keep my home. I fought my inner demons. I'm not through fighting them, but I feel better prepared and supported during the constant battle. I've won some and lost some, but the war is not over. It will not end at my own hand.
This is why I cannot understand someone who has had a relatively normal childhood (or even a screwed up one for that matter) and wants to kill themselves. I have had every reason, but never been able to say "I give up." In life, everyone has a choice. To live or to die. Everyone will eventually die. But it is your choice how you will live the precious gift that life is. Yes, life can blow harder than an f-5 tornado. I know. But if you lay down and die, you are weak. You are saying I'm not better than this. And you are!! Everyone is. Inside everyone is a person who can do anything. Go anywhere. Live a life to the fullest. Inside everyone is also a demon. Demons can be exorcised. Demons are only going to bring you down. But you have to want to help yourself. It is a fight only YOU can take on. YOU CAN DO IT. I'm not saying some people don't have problems worse than mine or that people don't feel like theirs are bad b/c that's all they feel at the time. I can only tell you my opinion. That nothing is worth giving up for. Someone is meant for something. You have family and friends that love you. Not only do you cheat yourself out of life, but you are cheating them. And if you have people that love you, cling to them. They will be there for you. Don't cheat them out of knowing someone they love. They wouldn't be your true friends if they left you when times are rough.
My train of thought derailed. I'll be back with more later.
meh 1
So, I don't know really what to write here. So, here's a jumble of mumbo-jumbo.
Well, KY guy is gone. I am here with my best friend, C, and my husband, S. Husband moved back in about a week after KY guy had gone b/c husband lost his job. I'm not a spiteful bitch, so I agreed to let S move back in. At first I wanted him to sleep in the living room, but after a while of trying to distance myself from him still, my stupid willpower gave in. Now he is sleeping with me and we are seriously debating the idea of being together again. It is bliss, I will willingly admit. He is treating me well and seems to be more patient with me and my disabilities. Maybe it's b/c I got a verification that I will be paid disability for two years from my employer, but I dunno. I'm hoping it's b/c he really wants to make it work and not that he is just wanting to have money.
He still has no job and is "looking" for one. He's applied to many online places and continues to check online. However, I believe that online is no substitute to going to the place you want to work and handing a resume in person. Oh well. It's not my job. He's just going to have to step up and help and not fall into the rut of wowing and starcrafting instead of looking for work. I believe in leisure, but only after you have worked hard and done all you can do with something.
I feel like shit b/c before my husband and I got serious and became un-separated (I know, not a word), I went on a date with a really good friend that I adore. He is super sweet, really a good person, smart, funny, and we share tons in common. He took me to a *super* nice restaurant, went for a walk with me on the Columbia River Walk, and drove around with me in his mini. What makes me sad is that I have to let him down. Because I really do like him a lot. The case and point is, I'm still married and I want to give it an honest shot again. Yes, it is going to be hard to go back to being friends with B, but I am confident that he will still be my friend. It just is going to ruin things, if and only if, the marriage doesn't work. If the marriage doesn't work, I'd love a true shot with B. Only, he may never be able to let me have a shot again if the marriage doesn't work b/c he'll always think that I wouldn't be over S. ARGH.
I still believe working on my marriage is the right choice. I feel happy (when ignoring the sad B feeling), loved, right, and accepted again. My kids are beyond happy to have daddy home. We haven't argued majorly and no feelings have been hurt yet. I am wary to fall so far back in love with him as he did hurt me pretty bad in the past (more on that to come later), but I just am living in the now and enjoying the feelings I have for him in the current moment.
Until later...
Well, KY guy is gone. I am here with my best friend, C, and my husband, S. Husband moved back in about a week after KY guy had gone b/c husband lost his job. I'm not a spiteful bitch, so I agreed to let S move back in. At first I wanted him to sleep in the living room, but after a while of trying to distance myself from him still, my stupid willpower gave in. Now he is sleeping with me and we are seriously debating the idea of being together again. It is bliss, I will willingly admit. He is treating me well and seems to be more patient with me and my disabilities. Maybe it's b/c I got a verification that I will be paid disability for two years from my employer, but I dunno. I'm hoping it's b/c he really wants to make it work and not that he is just wanting to have money.
He still has no job and is "looking" for one. He's applied to many online places and continues to check online. However, I believe that online is no substitute to going to the place you want to work and handing a resume in person. Oh well. It's not my job. He's just going to have to step up and help and not fall into the rut of wowing and starcrafting instead of looking for work. I believe in leisure, but only after you have worked hard and done all you can do with something.
I feel like shit b/c before my husband and I got serious and became un-separated (I know, not a word), I went on a date with a really good friend that I adore. He is super sweet, really a good person, smart, funny, and we share tons in common. He took me to a *super* nice restaurant, went for a walk with me on the Columbia River Walk, and drove around with me in his mini. What makes me sad is that I have to let him down. Because I really do like him a lot. The case and point is, I'm still married and I want to give it an honest shot again. Yes, it is going to be hard to go back to being friends with B, but I am confident that he will still be my friend. It just is going to ruin things, if and only if, the marriage doesn't work. If the marriage doesn't work, I'd love a true shot with B. Only, he may never be able to let me have a shot again if the marriage doesn't work b/c he'll always think that I wouldn't be over S. ARGH.
I still believe working on my marriage is the right choice. I feel happy (when ignoring the sad B feeling), loved, right, and accepted again. My kids are beyond happy to have daddy home. We haven't argued majorly and no feelings have been hurt yet. I am wary to fall so far back in love with him as he did hurt me pretty bad in the past (more on that to come later), but I just am living in the now and enjoying the feelings I have for him in the current moment.
Until later...
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