meh 1

So, I don't know really what to write here. So, here's a jumble of mumbo-jumbo.

Well, KY guy is gone. I am here with my best friend, C, and my husband, S. Husband moved back in about a week after KY guy had gone b/c husband lost his job. I'm not a spiteful bitch, so I agreed to let S move back in. At first I wanted him to sleep in the living room, but after a while of trying to distance myself from him still, my stupid willpower gave in. Now he is sleeping with me and we are seriously debating the idea of being together again. It is bliss, I will willingly admit. He is treating me well and seems to be more patient with me and my disabilities. Maybe it's b/c I got a verification that I will be paid disability for two years from my employer, but I dunno. I'm hoping it's b/c he really wants to make it work and not that he is just wanting to have money.

He still has no job and is "looking" for one. He's applied to many online places and continues to check online. However, I believe that online is no substitute to going to the place you want to work and handing a resume in person. Oh well. It's not my job. He's just going to have to step up and help and not fall into the rut of wowing and starcrafting instead of looking for work. I believe in leisure, but only after you have worked hard and done all you can do with something.

I feel like shit b/c before my husband and I got serious and became un-separated (I know, not a word), I went on a date with a really good friend that I adore. He is super sweet, really a good person, smart, funny, and we share tons in common. He took me to a *super* nice restaurant, went for a walk with me on the Columbia River Walk, and drove around with me in his mini. What makes me sad is that I have to let him down. Because I really do like him a lot. The case and point is, I'm still married and I want to give it an honest shot again. Yes, it is going to be hard to go back to being friends with B, but I am confident that he will still be my friend. It just is going to ruin things, if and only if, the marriage doesn't work. If the marriage doesn't work, I'd love a true shot with B. Only, he may never be able to let me have a shot again if the marriage doesn't work b/c he'll always think that I wouldn't be over S. ARGH.

I still believe working on my marriage is the right choice. I feel happy (when ignoring the sad B feeling), loved, right, and accepted again. My kids are beyond happy to have daddy home. We haven't argued majorly and no feelings have been hurt yet. I am wary to fall so far back in love with him as he did hurt me pretty bad in the past (more on that to come later), but I just am living in the now and enjoying the feelings I have for him in the current moment.

Until later...