A friend.

So, my friend from KY suprised me last night. He claimed he wanted to kill himself. The convo started out by being all "I need a therapist." "I know, maybe you should find one." was my response. "A box of razorblades would be cheaper."

How is one supposed to respond to that? I responded by going on and on in texts trying to convince him otherwise. I texted and messaged his friends trying to rally him a support group that was nearby. The only thing that sucks is that I couldn't drive over there and beat him over the head. NOTHING is worth killing yourself over. NOTHING. I cannot relate to someone who is depressed and doesn't want to live or fix themselves. I know life gets shitty. I know you don't want to live through some things. But I definately believe in the saying, "that which does not kill us makes us stronger."

I have lived through some scary shit. My parents were heavy drug addicts when I was a kid. From 10-18, I lived the worst life I can imagine for myself and my sister. I was the parent b/c they weren't. I cooked for, I cleaned for, I loved, I bathed, I helped my sister as much as a 10-18 year old could. I was forced to moderate fights between my parents (physical). I was told if I didn't sit there, I would get beaten too. I lived through my mother being a drunk and telling me how she hated me. I went to bed praying to God that he would rescue me. That he would realize I am a good person and a good daughter and that I didn't deserve this. Jess didn't deserve this. I cried for nights feeling all alone in my torment. Noone at school paid too much mind to me. Noone liked me. Noone could know what I was going through b/c I'd be *that* kid that has the fucked up parents. People did pretend to be my friend, but they talked shit behind my back, saying how odd or weird or bitchy I was. NEWSFLASH: I had a reason. If anyone had truly tried to get to know me, they'd have understood. School was my only escape. My only meal I didn't have to fix. My only link to adults who seemed to care about me. But even my teachers sensed my quiet desparation to have someone to like me. I tried too hard.

College was different. I didn't live at home. I beat myself up daily for leaving my sister in a mess. My parents never called. My grandparents never called. My sister only called occasionally b/c mom and dad would have yelled at her for calling long distance. I only had my roommate and friends. We went out often, trying to escape our various demons. I surrounded myself w/ people b/c I didn't want to be alone. I trusted those I shouldn't and paid the price. A price that still scars me greatly to this day. I cut myself on a regular basis, trying to release the pain I felt inside. Nothing worked. My roommate came in on me one night with my legs sliced from ankle to knee and called a therapist. I saw the therapist the next day, but never again. Instead, I replaced a cutting habit with alcohol. Only after losing my scholarship and getting arrested for something I am super ashamed of (misdemeanor, not drugs), did I realize I'd hit rock bottom.

Since then, my parents quit drugs. My father quit his terrible drug cold turkey. NOONE that I know of can do that and not go back. My dad did. My mother cut her alcohol habit, but not without my dad's constant vigilance and help. My sister always has a good attitude and outlook no matter her problems (lupus, organ failure, house burning down, losing a child). I have raised a beautiful person in my sister. That makes me proud. I am now a mother of two beautiful children. I am trying to better my parenting by working with my husband, S. I no longer drink. I no longer cut. I see a therapist to deal with my childhood and my fuck ups. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (swinging between manic and depressive. extreme highs and lows) and Narcolepsy (always being tired, falling into REM sleep in under 10 mins, sleep paralysis, cataplexy). I fought to get disability (and won). I fought to keep my home. I fought my inner demons. I'm not through fighting them, but I feel better prepared and supported during the constant battle. I've won some and lost some, but the war is not over. It will not end at my own hand.

This is why I cannot understand someone who has had a relatively normal childhood (or even a screwed up one for that matter) and wants to kill themselves. I have had every reason, but never been able to say "I give up." In life, everyone has a choice. To live or to die. Everyone will eventually die. But it is your choice how you will live the precious gift that life is. Yes, life can blow harder than an f-5 tornado. I know. But if you lay down and die, you are weak. You are saying I'm not better than this. And you are!! Everyone is. Inside everyone is a person who can do anything. Go anywhere. Live a life to the fullest. Inside everyone is also a demon. Demons can be exorcised. Demons are only going to bring you down. But you have to want to help yourself. It is a fight only YOU can take on. YOU CAN DO IT. I'm not saying some people don't have problems worse than mine or that people don't feel like theirs are bad b/c that's all they feel at the time. I can only tell you my opinion. That nothing is worth giving up for. Someone is meant for something. You have family and friends that love you. Not only do you cheat yourself out of life, but you are cheating them. And if you have people that love you, cling to them. They will be there for you. Don't cheat them out of knowing someone they love. They wouldn't be your true friends if they left you when times are rough.

My train of thought derailed. I'll be back with more later.